Poor boy! What chance did young Donald ever have..?!
If Donald Trump ever appeared before a New Zealand court of law and found guilty of whatever charge might be on offer, he wouldn’t be able to believe his luck.
As we know, the NZ justice system has a new dictum: judges have to take guilty offenders’ personal backgrounds into account when sentencing – particularly regarding trauma in the tender formative years. With Donald’s dysfunctional upbringing, he’d come up trumps come sentencing time.
For young Donald, firstly, it was bad enough being named after a duck. Not just any duck – a world-famous duck! The Alpha Duck. All his life, he’s been fighting to escape the long shadow cast by his Disney namesake. Although it could have been worse. At least he wasn’t christened Mickey. Being in the shadow of the even more famous mouse might have terminally traumatised a vulnerable Donald before he was even out of his diapers. Although admittedly, that wasn’t until he was fourteen.
But that’s just for starters. Then there’s the fact that young Donald was born the son of Christ. I kid you not. Donald’s daddy’s full name was Frederick Christ Trump. (Honestly, I’m not making this up. Fred’s own father was – amongst other things – a brothel-keeper, but we won’t go there.)
So now little Donald has to somehow crawl out of the shadow not only of the world’s most famous Duck, but also that of an even more famous World Saviour. No wonder he struggled. These are major speed bumps for a young brave wanting to blaze his own trail.
But as they say, it’s all in the genes. And whatever his other failings, father Freddy Christ Trump was born with a preternaturally keen eye for The Deal. And particularly where The Deal involved Federal handouts, tax breaks and creative interpretations of building and housing codes.
At a time, young Donald’s still getting the hang of walking – probably hampered by the vestigial bone spurs that later secured his exemption from active military service – Trump Snr is coining it big-time with his dodgy construction enterprises.
While Freddie Christ welcomes the fat Federal building contracts that mysteriously fall into his lap, he’s not so keen on contributing to the tax take that funds the hand that feeds him. So even at this early stage, he’s sussing the loopholes for welshing on wider societal debts. Accounts of Trump Snr’s playing fast and loose with tax ordinances formed the style book for the new generation of later tech oligarchs deeply allergic to tax of any type.
But as much as the morality of his daddy’s business dealings might have stuck in the craw of a fledgling Donald, they nevertheless were eased down his gullet with mother’s milk, as it were. Alas, poor young, innocent Donald never stood a chance. A blameless sucker, in more ways than one.
Whatever hope that remained for the salvation of milk-toothed Donald soon disappeared under the juggernaut of Father Freddie’s relentless quest for tax avoidance, which now demanded creative dispersement of his snowballing profits. Not to charities and such like, of course – far too crude. No, to family members, naturally. Keep it all in-house. So much better for keeping track of it all. Literally before young Donald knew it, he’d technically become a millionaire by the time he’d turned eight.
Then again, given that – in his own estimation admittedly – he’s one of the world’s few stable geniuses, he may have had one of his diminutive fingers on the calculator all along. While his real Disney hero certainly wasn’t namesake dumb-arsed Donald, it could well have been his uncle – Scrooge McDuck. Readers of a certain age will recall how the fabulously rich Uncle Scrooge had a swimming pool filled not with the usual H20, but sparkled with crinkly greenback dollars, into which he dived and cavorted.
Accordingly, it’s more than likely that a precocious eight-year-old genius Trump ordered the family accountant to have his cot similarly filled, in which he similarly cavorted. History also shows that this enriched learning environment not only helped the young Don safely navigate an ocean of dollars, it gave him the swimming skills that allowed him to later become the first and only person in the universe – according to sworn accounts of trusted eye-witnesses – to do a return traverse of the Mississippi River at its widest point using the butterfly stroke with one arm tied behind his back in less than four seconds.
But all this munificence ultimately came with a price. At the end of the day, the ferryman had to be paid. Despite some of the best – albeit still shoddy – diplomas and degrees money could buy, the young Donald had to eventually depart the family cocoon and make his way in the wider business world. And he soon found out being a son of Christ didn’t necessarily cut the mustard in the hurly burly of the big boys’ bullpen.
For a while, novice Donald tried to replicate father Fred’s success in real estate. Luckily, father Fred was still around to help bail him out of his many pitfalls. But then the stable genius fell in love with casinos to the extent that he bought several, some of which were in competition with his other casinos. Things didn’t end well. All in all, he chalked up half a dozen corporate bankruptcies.
Now the world’s greatest one-armed butterflyer spread his wings and embarked on a series of top-of-the-line business disasters, including Trump Airlines, Trump University, and Trump Mortgage (initiated just before the catastrophic 2008 housing collapse). Then there was the unread Trump Magazine, the gristly Trump Steaks, the undrunk Trump Vodka and the Tour de Trump bike race that promptly and permanently punctured. He was even ordered to abort his Trump Foundation charity when it was discovered the main beneficiary seemed to be Trump’s back pocket.
Admittedly, some of his other enterprises – such as hotels and golf resorts – appeared solvent. But only in the sense that if one owes the bank $5mil it’s your problem. But if you owe it $5bil, it then becomes the bank’s problem!
People with horn-rimmed spectacles calculated that if young Donald had simply invested all the money inherited from father Fred at his local bank at a modest 3% interest, he’d have coined more than what he claims to have made from his genius business acumen.
So, at the end of the day, we have Donald hypothetically finally dragged into a New Zealand court of law to answer for just one of his multiple alleged transgressions. The defendant is duly declared guilty as charged. Now the judge must deliver his considered punishment, including any mitigation arising from the defendant’s background.
The judge looks at his notes. Early childhood self-esteem threatened by famous namesake Duck. Trauma compounded by the realisation that he is also the son of Christ – an impossibly imposing role model. Emotional entropy intensified by becoming a millionaire while still in nappies. A lot of crap to deal with.
Buoyed by excellence in one-armed butterfly swimming, he raises the bar in the world of business bankruptcies, where he discovers that there’s not a business model he isn’t up to bankrupting, or at least hemorrhaging. But the emotional toll of all this over-achievement is ultimately crippling to such a sensitive soul – over-aligned as he is to the plight of the poor and huddled masses.
To the judge, only one sentencing option is now possible. A potential exemplar of all that is good in a flawed world has had early-childhood trauma cruelly visited upon him in the form of truckloads of grubbily earned dollars. Society at large must now be held to account for its many failings. The judgment, therefore, is that the defendant is not only the real victim in this instance, but also so egregiously traumatised by a dysfunctional upbringing as to now be in credit to the justice system to the tune of a scot-free Grievous Bodily Harm, half a dozen ram raids, or a generous handful of Unwanted Sexual Advances.
Case dismissed.
Frank Greenall has been a copywriter, scriptwriter, artist, political cartoonist, adult literacy tutor and administrator, and Whanganui Chronicle columnist for many years, amongst numerous other sundry occupations. His cartoons and articles have appeared in most major NZ newspapers at various times. He has a BA in politics and a Masters in adult literacy/numeracy. https://stevebaron.co.nz/author/frankgreenall/
Josh says:
This is a pretty wild take Frank! I never actually knew Trump’s middle name was after his dad Frederick *Christ* Trump, that’s genuinely mental! But I’m curious about something – are you saying that traumatic backgrounds should excuse people’s actions, or just explain them? Because like, heaps of people in my generation have had rough childhoods but we don’t all become… well, you know. The whole “born to be a loser” angle is interesting but doesn’t it risk letting people off the hook for their choices as adults?
Frank Greenall says:
Hi Josh. Donald Trump’s middle name is John – it’s his father, Frederick, who has the middle name of Christ. So technically Donald is a son of Christ. (Fred’s illustrious middle name derived from his mother’s maiden name of Christ.)
The rest is all pretty much just taking the Mickey (or should that be taking the Donald..?). The young Donald lived a pampered life in the lap of luxury, albeit under the influence of his ruthless businessman father. Father Fred undoubtedly helped shape his son’s “never give a sucker an even break” mentality which in turn fed Donald’s sociopathic narcissism and sense of entitlement.
As for the latter NZ trend to ‘discount’ offenders’ sentences for alleged troubled upbringings, it’s complex territory. While there’s certainly room for compassion in sentencing, there are now many victims of serious crime left dismayed at seeing perpetrators virtually walk free by the time all the ‘discounts’ have been totted up. The cynical among us might say it’s just a response to political pressure to keep prisoner numbers down
But perhaps the truly compassionate response should be to fully integrate confinement with genuine rehabilitation, upskilling, and putting in place adequate post-prison support (including guaranteed supervised and paid work), so that offenders are empowered to not re-offend.
Pat says:
While the satirical tone is entertaining, Frank, I’m curious about the underlying premise here regarding New Zealand’s sentencing practices. Research suggests that trauma-informed approaches to justice actually show promising results in reducing recidivism rates – studies from countries like Norway demonstrate significantly lower reoffending when courts consider developmental factors.
That said, your broader point about how formative experiences shape behaviour patterns is well-supported by developmental psychology literature. However, we should be cautious about deterministic explanations that might excuse harmful conduct entirely. The question becomes: at what point does understanding context cross the line into enabling accountability avoidance?
What’s your view on where that balance should lie in our justice system – particularly when dealing with those who’ve had access to significant privilege and resources despite early disadvantages?
Frank Greenall says:
You’re on to it with the reference to Nordic countries, Pat. They twigged long ago that simple imprisonment is a counter-productive exercise, often actually decreasing offenders’ chances for later reintegration as well as also acting as the proverbial ‘university of crime’.
The key is the Nordic’s full wrap-around support that goes with the initial recognition that there is indeed a direct link between early trauma/deprivation and later offending. Rehabilitation is more than just a word – they back it up with sustained and serious in-prison education and up-skilling, addiction and self-awareness programmes, and controlled gradual re-integration into wider society as sentences near completion. By and large, no-one leaves without new skills, a job, accommodation and basic income sorted, and with on-going supervision.
Crucially, too, the state also has funding programmes in place that – if the offender is unable to – aim to compensate crime victims for trauma or property or financial losses.
Victims are thereby less aggrieved with shorter sentences if they know offenders are being genuinely rehabilitated, and also that their own trauma and material grief has been acknowledged and addressed.
Admittedly, the Nordics have bigger bank balances to fund such programmes, but tax rates are also relatively high to help out too. (No billion dollar tax cuts for landlords..!)
Their wider societies have the sense to recognise that addressing destructive social inequality to help reduce offending in the first place is the best – and ultimately cheapest – option of all. And where there is offending then again the best and cheapest strategy is genuine, supported rehabiltation.
If offenders persist despite those measures, then the state can then justifiably nudge their self-accountability with extended confinement and loss of privileges.
Davo says:
Mate, this is a bit much even for someone who can’t stand Trump. All this psychoanalysing about his name and his old man. Sounds like the sort of waffle those university types on the radio go on with. The bloke’s done plenty wrong without having to blame it all on being named after Donald Duck, Frank.
Stu says:
Had a bloke at the bar last week going on about how everyone’s just a product of their childhood. It took three pints before he’d admit maybe personal responsibility counts for something too. Sure, names and family baggage matter, but I’ve served plenty of people who had rough starts and didn’t spend decades making excuses about it. Funny how the “born to be a loser” angle only seems to apply when it’s convenient, Frank.
Frank Greenall says:
No argument that personal responsibility certainly counts as well, Stu (and Davo), but it’s also no surprise that studies of prison inmates’ backgrounds show that the overwhelming majority of them tick just about every box in the dysfunctional and disadvantaged categories – low literacy and general education, train-wreck family circumstances in the crucial formative years, lack of both personal and social relationship skills, and so on.
For many, even the broad concept of “responsibility” is uncharted territory, and how their ability to make positive “choices” exponentially decreases with every box ticked. But of course there are and will always be individuals with the strength of mind and general nous to forge ahead no matter what their start in life.
But let’s not forget that the article was also doing a lot of just poking the borax.
Given Trump’s family background and under his father’s take-no-prisoners influence, it would have been just as easy to make the argument that Trump was “Born to be a Winner”, which is how – much to my amazement – many Maga crazies regard him.
Trev says:
Look mate, this whole thing about taking someone’s upbringing into account when sentencing is bloody ridiculous. I’ve got blokes on my crew who came from rough backgrounds – doesn’t mean they get a free pass when they stuff up on site or don’t follow safety regs. You either do the right thing or you don’t, simple as that. All this psycho-babble about trauma and family history is just another layer of bureaucratic nonsense that stops people taking responsibility for their own actions.
Frank Greenall says:
I think we’re talking about two different beasts, Trev..! You say, “blokes on my crew”. That means they’ve managed to tick enough boxes to get into a job in the first place, where – as well as hopefully getting a decent living wage – they’re exposed to on-going learning, mentoring role models, and general support. In short, they get to know what’s expected of them, and general right from wrong. If they then willfully ignore instructions and don’t deliver their half of the bargain, sure – down the road.
The ones I’m more talking about are those so personally and socially damaged, and so bereft of employable skills, they’re shut out of the system from the get-go.
It’s a bit hard to know “right from wrong” if you’ve no idea what “right” looks like, and you totally lack resources to crack the cage you’re trapped in.