Frank Greenall: Marriage – It Was Always a Tough Gig!

Love and marriage go together like a horse and carriage, crooned Ol’ Blue Eyes Sinatra back in the 1950s. These days, though, the horse is limping and the carriage wheels are wobbling. In so-called Western societies, it’s no longer the happening thing. In NZ, marriage rates have nearly halved in the last thirty years or so. Gone are the days when every Saturday engagement notices filled half the last page of the front section of the broadsheet NZ Herald.

Elsewhere, the same. A decade ago, a survey found over half of all households in Sweden had become one-person households. A recent Guardian article canvassed American women on why so many were now opting for the unattached life, with or without kids.

Marriage as Economic Survival

One might say it’s a sign of success when measured in material terms. Before welfare systems cranked up, long-term marriage was a biggie. It was a major survival strategy. Kids provided not only potential future free labour but also parents’ old age support.

It was “til death do us part” because to part was a form of economic death in itself. For a woman, particularly, to be outside the marital matrix could mean a literal death through various resulting privations. Even if the honeymoon soon turned sour, it was a matter of gritting the teeth and boxing on regardless.

Rising Standards and Personal Choice

As material standards rose, the blunt imperatives correspondingly diminished while personal options dramatically increased. Hugely improved infant mortality reduced the need for optimal birth rates. More female work opportunities, greater disposable incomes and welfare provisions like pensions further reduced the need for optimal kids. Or even the economic need to have kids at all.

In short, people were now in a position to get a bit picky over potential intimate cohabitants. Even about procreation itself. But, where once modest physical assets in prospective partners, such as showing a pulse or possessing a full quota of limbs, was considered a major plus, now the bar seems to be set somewhat higher.

The ‘Basic Requirements’ Problem

The Guardian’s USA research found that “scores of women” complained that men who met “basic requirements” were as rare as hen’s teeth, if not actually extinct.

For instance, Kellie, 43, from Georgia, was “looking for a man who … has goals and ambition, is intelligent, trustworthy, a provider, supportive, considerate, kind, assertive, masculine, honest, faithful, intentional, has a healthy self-esteem and a sense of humour, loves to go out, and likes fitness. These basic qualities are hard to find these days,” she added.

This is akin to someone saying that they just want a roof over their head, as long as it comes with ocean views, a pool, a quarter-acre master bedroom, three en-suite guest rooms, a sauna, an ice bath and a Jacuzzi, plus a six-car garage.

Meanwhile, Katie, 37, a Wisconsin biotechnology product manager, stipulated that any future partner should ideally have “a robust social life, a focus on holistic health, compassionate and forthright communication skills, and functional independence”. “The bar is extremely low,” she averred, “and yet it’s rarely cleared.”

Perhaps Kellie and Katie’s idea of “basic requirements” and “low bar” might explain why, according to Census Bureau historical data and Morgan Stanley forecasts, by 2030, forty-five per cent of US women aged between 25 and 44 will be single.

The Demographics of Singlehood

Needless to say, single male rates are also rising, but not as much as with females. Perhaps male ideas of a low bar are more likely to be in limbo-bar territory rather than high-jump dimensions.

Of course, there’s also the difference between being formally married and ‘not single’. While rates of the former have significantly decreased in recent decades, ‘partnered’ rates have increased, although not sufficiently to stem greater singlehood overall.

Birth Rates and Population Pressures

The corollary of all this solo business is that ‘Western’ birth rates are also taking a dive. Result: a greater proportion of olds to care for, with fewer younger taxpayers to foot the bill. Japan is a prime example, from whence a scary stat recently emerged: sales of adult/geriatric nappies are now greater than baby/toddler nappy sales.

I, for one, welcome any dynamic that reduces the global population, although naturally the transition has to be managed. But how much more evidence is needed that planetary ecosystems are drowning in tsunamis of consumerist effluvia and the toxicities that go with it. The mantra of endless and exponential economic ‘growth’ on a finite planet is exposed in all its absurdity when the ‘growth’ in question is ultimately tumorous.

New Models of Family

But new kids will always be needed. It’s just a matter of at what rate. And society has already shape-shifted in terms of parenting arrangements other than the old nuclear family paradigm – especially given the assisted-conception procedures now available.

Long may it keep evolving, but traditional marital structures tumbled so spectacularly as soon as economic circumstances allowed because the gig was so hard, especially when, in former times, couples could often be virtual strangers even at the “I do” stage, with no real idea what the person they were forever committing to was really like. Think of the times when you were stuck with someone incompatible on, say, a camping trip, when even a week in their company curdled into a torturous eternity.

The only thing that kept many traditional marriages intact was the fact that – back in the days of male ‘full’ employment – hubby was out of the house early and the wife could sit down with a cuppa and a Krispie and listen to ‘Dr Paul’ and ‘Portia Faces Life’ in peace.

Modern Families and Healthy Villages

Granted, coupling is a bit more variegated now, what with all the same-sex and gender-bending stuff. But kids are nothing if not adaptable. If the true essentials – unconditional love, security, consistency, et al – are in place, they’ll likely be tickety-boo, too.

Apparently, the median duration of an NZ marriage these days is about 14 years. Twice the supposed ‘Seven Year Itch’. But even though most kids are now raised in solo or ‘de facto’ situations, the old cliche that it takes a village to raise a kid still holds. A healthy village is thus the main priority. And the village is more likely to be healthy if its constituents aren’t trapped in suffocating or unwholesome relationships “just for the sake of the kids”.

Frank Greenall has been a copywriter, scriptwriter, artist, political cartoonist, adult literacy tutor and administrator, and Whanganui Chronicle columnist for many years, amongst numerous other sundry occupations. His cartoons and articles have appeared in most major NZ newspapers at various times. He has a BA in politics and a Masters in adult literacy/numeracy.   https://stevebaron.co.nz/author/frankgreenall/